I’ve struggled over the last few years to find my footing on the internet, in particular, to established a home – a website and blog. I’ve tossed and turned over the details, down to the fonts and background colors of WordPress themes. I’ve struggled to commit to such a long-term project. I research and write for my day job and I’ve asked myself over and over if I really want to come home and do more of the same (excuses much?). The answer is yes, when the subject matter is what I’m passionate about – health, wellness & art. Deep down, I think this struggle has been more about being vulnerable. I WANT to create and share – writing, recipes, art and photography (among other things), but it comes down to the FEAR of sharing those things with the universe. One of my favorite people, Brené Brown, has written and lectured extensively on vulnerability and shame. She speaks to me, and I imagine many people, in a way that I’m not sure anyone else ever has.
One of my favorite quotes from (a Forbes interview with) Brené:
The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I’m willing to show you. In you, it’s courage and daring. In me, it’s weakness.
This is where shame comes into play. Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think. When we’re fueled by the fear of what other people think or that gremlin that’s constantly whispering “You’re not good enough” in our ear, it’s tough to show up. We end up hustling for our worthiness rather than standing in it.
I’ve let the gremlin drive. I’ve let him/her/it stand in the way of my creativity and desire to put things out there in the universe. Things can get pretty meta when you start worrying what people will think about you worrying about what people will think. Hustling for my worthiness, as Brené puts it,
no longer serves never served me. This website, which my fiancé very lovingly purchased for me as part of his marriage proposal, DOES serve me. This is a new home for me, a chance to start over, a place to put down roots and be vulnerable. A place to try things, fail, succeed, pick myself up and BE ADVENTUROUS. Here we go!